The failures of friendship

Ive often felt like I’ve failed my friends. Infact, i know i have. Ive been the one that chose a relationship over a friendship, I’ve ditched people to move away and on to something else (usually only to return with my tail between my legs!), so its fair to say that through my own poor choices I’ve lost what i once considered good friends. 

We naturally change friends as we go through life. We meet like-minded individuals and then our minds grow and develop, sometimes leaving said friendship faltering behind. Its not every time we lose a friendship that we actually feel that its a loss. 

And then theres times when your completely taken off guard and all of a sudden those you considered your close friends seem to be withdrawing themselves from your life. The chatting slows, the tone changes, meet ups are few and far between. And no matter how much you try to convince yourself that your just paranoid, it doesn’t mean they no longer want your friendship, or that your just being a bit needy…those thoughts no longer sound convincing.

Im not a jealous type, nor do i like to be with people 24/7. I like my own space and can be perfectly happy in my own company. That being said, and in relation to the fact i have lost friends, I have come to value the friends I do have left. Especially the ones i feel were special. Sad, right?

Thats what has made it so much harder recently to know that those i think of as good friends are disappearing. I cant understand if its through something i have done? Although, i know i havent done anything to warrant what feels like being cut out (even if its unintentional). I keep wondering ‘were we really friends to begin with?’. I thought so. I hope so.

I hate that this is something thats upsetting to me. I am a strong person 90% of the time, and about as emotional as a rock, but this seems to of brought feelings of loneliness and sadness to the surface.

All i really know is that I miss my friends. 

Thats all.

Panic mode!!

So today the panic set in.

Currently Im studying for my childcare qualification, whilst simultaneously studying for a degree and working. Im not naive in knowing that so many people juggle all these things plus more. All i can say is hats off to you if you’re managing all of the above!

My childcare qualification was something I had started whilst working in a preschool, however I now nanny privately. I have to say this has changed the dynamics of my studies dramatically. Working independently looking after multiple children means I no longer have that constant support network of fellow colleagues to fall back on or simply ask for a hand. Its also limited the amount of free time I have to actually sit down with my head in the books.

Today the sudden realisation of how little time I have left hit me like freight train. I sat and thought ‘you’re going to fail this miserably’ and couldn’t shake the feeling of already being disappointed with myself.

I had my usual morning workout which sedated some of the panic. But the nagging feeling of failure was lingering still. So, I got down to it. I set myself up with my books, laptop, and a large cup of tea…ready to put my brain in to gear!

(Woah…dirty screen 😕)
It took a good hour for me to get into a rhythm, but I managed to complete quite alot in the 5 hours I spent on my work. Sometimes I forget that actually my mind works well under pressure, its just the overall anxiety that sets me off balance.

I need to find tips and techniques for motivation and time managment when it comes to studying. How do you manage your focus? Any wisdom welcome 😊