The failures of friendship

Ive often felt like I’ve failed my friends. Infact, i know i have. Ive been the one that chose a relationship over a friendship, I’ve ditched people to move away and on to something else (usually only to return with my tail between my legs!), so its fair to say that through my own poor choices I’ve lost what i once considered good friends. 

We naturally change friends as we go through life. We meet like-minded individuals and then our minds grow and develop, sometimes leaving said friendship faltering behind. Its not every time we lose a friendship that we actually feel that its a loss. 

And then theres times when your completely taken off guard and all of a sudden those you considered your close friends seem to be withdrawing themselves from your life. The chatting slows, the tone changes, meet ups are few and far between. And no matter how much you try to convince yourself that your just paranoid, it doesn’t mean they no longer want your friendship, or that your just being a bit needy…those thoughts no longer sound convincing.

Im not a jealous type, nor do i like to be with people 24/7. I like my own space and can be perfectly happy in my own company. That being said, and in relation to the fact i have lost friends, I have come to value the friends I do have left. Especially the ones i feel were special. Sad, right?

Thats what has made it so much harder recently to know that those i think of as good friends are disappearing. I cant understand if its through something i have done? Although, i know i havent done anything to warrant what feels like being cut out (even if its unintentional). I keep wondering ‘were we really friends to begin with?’. I thought so. I hope so.

I hate that this is something thats upsetting to me. I am a strong person 90% of the time, and about as emotional as a rock, but this seems to of brought feelings of loneliness and sadness to the surface.

All i really know is that I miss my friends. 

Thats all.

Health = Happiness?

Personally, I can admit that i have been an unhealthy individual for years. Im not overweight, or suffering from a physical illness as such. I have battled my way through eating disorders, and anxiety, coming out the other side however not with what would be considered a good level of health.

Recently, I became completely fed up of not feeling like a fit, healthy 27 year old. This is the prime of life, what the hell am I achieving sitting on my arse evening after evening? Other than it being boring as sin, im wasting potential. Potential to be the best version of myself. Potential to be happy.

So Im now taking myself on a ‘fitness journey’! I have dedicated myself to making time for eating at least 3 times day, drinking COPIUS amounts of water, and working out 5 times a week.

I do however despise gyms, just all the ego floating around completely turns me off from those places! So currently im undertaking it all at home, with a small weights set up.

I’ll be tracking and blogging about my progress and how its genuinely making me feel 😊

It anyone is on a similar journey, then best of luck. YOU CAN DO IT!

Check out my Romanian deadlifts…

Follow my progress on instagram too @shivc 👍

Currently reading…

As of late I haven’t been able to immerse myself in my all time favourite hobby as much as I would like. Its left me with a book shaped whole in my heart 😔.

Nothing feels quite as satisfying as being engrossed in a story that has your imagination running wild, or a character who entices you to into their world, leaving you wanting more, page after page.

I have quite an eclectic taste when it comes to books. But my heart lies with classic literature. I enjoy the challenge of understanding the archaic language, the history of the time, the underlining substance that is often more compelling than that of modern  (HOW in the name of all things sacred is 50 shades of grey one of the biggest selling books of all time!!).

Currently I have tasked myself with reading ‘The Divine Comedy‘ by Dante. This epic narrative poem is the spiritual journey taken by Dante through the 9 circles of hell called ‘Inferno‘, ‘Purgatorio‘ and ‘Paradiso‘.

Excuse my furless baby…

Although reading a text as complex  as ‘Commedia‘ – as it was in its orginal Italian- is a real challenge at times. The overall sense of spirituality is overwhelming. Not only that, but it is completely fascinating to learn through Dante’s writing about the political strife between the Guelf and Ghibelline fractions and the history of Italy at the time, around the 1300’s.

Currently Dante is being accompanied by Virgil, a contemporary of Dante’s, who he holds in high regard. His journey is depicting the different ‘sins’ commited by those who have passed on, and where this places them in the 9 circles. Throughout he is shown the violent, often torturous punishments those sinners have to endure for eternity. The level of depravity is dependant on the sin of the individuals (such as adultery, or not commiting to believing in God one way or the other).

As this is such a long read, I may add a later post with my thoughts at the end.

Id love further reading suggestions if you have any!

Tell me…whats your current read?

We all start somewhere…

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Starting something a new strikes fear into most people, myself included. It presents the unknown, a risk of crashing and burning in a ball of flames or the potential to change lives for the better.

Today I have chosen to take the plunge into the deep end, and step out of my comfort zone (about 200 miles out of it!). I have always admired those who write daily journals, or the bloggers who’s posts keep you coming back with interest. The whole concept projects a sense of catharsis…but who would care to read about what little old me has to say?! It is this train of thought that has held me back for so long. My internal monologue is like a broken record on repeat telling me ‘your lifes not interesting enough to write about’, ‘your writing isn’t good enough’, ‘dont waste your time’ until I just put the idea to the back of my mind, along with any hopes that go with it (violin in the background!).

BUT…Im not going to listen to the negative now, the fear of failing or making abit of a tit of myself is not worth the constant weight of not knowing. At the fine (old!) age of 27, its time to put myself out there. I dont expect anything from this except perhaps getting back to enjoying writing.

Life is short…what the hell am i waiting for?! A sign? Someone to tell me to do something about it? Nope. Ive just been lazy with my own life. No excuses.

Make the decision. Take that step. Don’t toe dip…jump straight in!

Ciao for now!

Fear-is-a-Liar