The failures of friendship

Ive often felt like I’ve failed my friends. Infact, i know i have. Ive been the one that chose a relationship over a friendship, I’ve ditched people to move away and on to something else (usually only to return with my tail between my legs!), so its fair to say that through my own poor choices I’ve lost what i once considered good friends. 

We naturally change friends as we go through life. We meet like-minded individuals and then our minds grow and develop, sometimes leaving said friendship faltering behind. Its not every time we lose a friendship that we actually feel that its a loss. 

And then theres times when your completely taken off guard and all of a sudden those you considered your close friends seem to be withdrawing themselves from your life. The chatting slows, the tone changes, meet ups are few and far between. And no matter how much you try to convince yourself that your just paranoid, it doesn’t mean they no longer want your friendship, or that your just being a bit needy…those thoughts no longer sound convincing.

Im not a jealous type, nor do i like to be with people 24/7. I like my own space and can be perfectly happy in my own company. That being said, and in relation to the fact i have lost friends, I have come to value the friends I do have left. Especially the ones i feel were special. Sad, right?

Thats what has made it so much harder recently to know that those i think of as good friends are disappearing. I cant understand if its through something i have done? Although, i know i havent done anything to warrant what feels like being cut out (even if its unintentional). I keep wondering ‘were we really friends to begin with?’. I thought so. I hope so.

I hate that this is something thats upsetting to me. I am a strong person 90% of the time, and about as emotional as a rock, but this seems to of brought feelings of loneliness and sadness to the surface.

All i really know is that I miss my friends. 

Thats all.

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